I'm going to jail i love you
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
