There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
