4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
false alarm. still invincible.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
