theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
