He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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