So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
