I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
