i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
