Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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