Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
