I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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