So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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