look no pants
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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