This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
