My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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