When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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