I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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