I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
