A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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