News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
