After last night, I could never be a politician.
Can Purell be used as lube?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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