SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
