I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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