U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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