carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
