then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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