I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
