I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
