I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
