I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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