i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
