I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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