I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
