Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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