Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
