Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
