You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
