Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
