I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
