she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
