Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
