OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
