now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
