how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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