Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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