My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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