im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
