PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
