I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
