What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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